The term “Formal Living Room” has almost no relevance in today’s world. Initially, formal living rooms were created to greet your social callers. I hate to bust your bubble, but you’re not Scarlett O’Hara and you don’t have “social callers.” Formal living rooms primary function today is to collect dust and put furniture in that nobody is allowed to touch. Formal living rooms should really just go away quietly like sponge painting, Mischa Barton and side swept bangs, don’t you think? Aren’t we smarter than that?
Let’s continue. Let’s take a look at other equally stupid things you may or may not have in your home and why they make no sense in how we live today.
The bidet. I remember when I was looking at homes a few years ago, some realtor was actually showing this to my husband and I like it might be a viable selling point. “And here in the master bath, you have all the upgrades-including a bidet!” I looked at my husband and we just starting cracking up. Call me crazy, but toilet paper and daily showers seem to be doing the trick thus far, thankyouverymuch. I mean really, in the age of Twitter like speed and Wet Ones travel packs, don’t we think this is the end of an era? One realtor actually tried telling us it was “Very European” in her thick Jersey accent. Um yeah, it’s very European. Really? That’s weird, since every time Americans travel to Europe, one of the first things we notice is how practically everyone we come in contact with could use a jumbo size bar of Irish Spring. Major! Keep the bidet, lose the bidet, you don’t need a bidet. Take a shower, douche and wipe your ass like your mama taught you. Let’s move on, shall we?
The Mud Room. Oh yeah, that’s another winner. I went to one home in Miami where they were showing me how they decorated their mud room. Here’s the thing: Mud Rooms were meant to clean off your boots, hang up your wet gear and your guns from hunting and fishing in rural areas. If you live in Coral Gables, you don’t need a mud room. FYI, if you live in Scarsdale you don’t need one either. A mud room today is used as a designated area to hang up coats.Oh, ok. How about a closet at the entryway of your home, isn’t that enough? One website told me I could also use it as a laundry room. Oh! Maybe I can use the kitchen as a game room, too? Wait, I’m confused! It’s stupid unless it’s in your country home, ski home or the like. A Classic 6 in Manhattan, no mud room.
The Butler’s Pantry. Oh, I love this one! This term really took flight during the McMansion explosion. It made mortgaged-up-to-their-eyeballs-wannabe-rich people feel, well, rich. Let’s call a Butler’s Pantry what it really is: More counter space in the hallway. Most wealthy people don’t even have butlers anymore. They have house managers, housekeepers, nannies, gardeners and lovers. Queen Elizabeth, LIttle Orphan Annie and the Pope had butlers, not you. If you buy a big home there’s this area usually off the kitchen on the way to the dining room that has pretty cabinetry. It’s called a Butler’s Pantry. A pantry is a closet. A butler is something you don’t have. Moronic for anyone under the age of 86. See ya, Grandpa!
With the exception of the bidet, I’m not actually suggesting you do without these things. Rather, I think they are irrelevant, dated and in need of some kind of evolvement in their nomenclature. I mean, remember when Asians were called Orientals, cleaning ladies were called servants and shopping online was called surfing the World Wide Web? It’s time, people. It’s time.